Have you ever been in a battle of wills? In other words, an argument, where one side pits themselves against the other to see who will win.
One side pulls one way and the other side pulls the other way. Each side giving it their all in a desperate effort to win… and NOT LOSE!
Oftentimes, both sides are worn out from the experience. They’ve got sore muscles, and maybe dirt in their shorts. Except for the momentary sweet taste of victory, neither side feels their best afterwards.
The sandlot version of tug-of-war can be a fun experience of seeing who has the stronger side.
Tug-of-wars that happen in the marketplace, though, aren’t as fun. Even if you win, the other side has lost, and the relationship isn’t what it could have been.
I was in one of those tug-of-wars recently, and it left me feeling both unheard and unappreciated. It also made me mad! To let off steam, I went hiking. As I hiked, uttering curses under my breath, I’d pick up rocks and throw them as hard as I could into the forest.
Mom would often tell me to go punch a pillow when I felt like that as a kid. Throwing rocks in the forest is a little more satisfying.
As I worked to get my temper under control, I began to reflect on the situation. I have come to understand recently that the driving force in my life is the struggle between having my desires expressed and heard, and my desire to get along with others.
The tug-of-war I had just been in left me feeling like I had done neither. In the heat of the moment, I realized that I could continue down a destructive cyle, or I could be with how I was feeling and begin to look for a better solution.
Until that point, I thought I had one of two choices. I could let go of my end of the rope, let go of my position, and cede to the other side. Alternatively, I could dig in further and pull until my hands bled from rope burn.
Was there a third choice that wouldn’t leave me feeling so conflicted?
It was then I remembered a book I read several years ago.
I was pursuing an interest in improv, so I picked up the book, Yes, And: How Improvisation Reverses “No, But” Thinking and Improves Creativity and Collaboration–Lessons from The Second City, by Kelly Leonard and Tom Yorton.
Second City alums include Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Eugene Levy, Steve Carell, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Chris Farley, and Stephen Colbert.
As I read the book, I learned Yes, And… is a fundamental principle of improvisation. The idea of Yes, And… is to collaborate with your partner to create a scene. With Yes, And… you accept what another participant has stated (“yes”) and then expand on that line of thinking (“and”).
In terms of the tug-of-war, you stop pulling at each end vying for control. Instead you bring the ends of the rope together and see what you can make of it.
The subject of my tug-of-war has yet to be fully resolved. We still have a difference of opinion on what the best resolution is. But by applying Yes, And… thinking, we have the opportunity to create a better solution. A solution that neither side would likely have come up with on their own.